New Flat

As the title suggests I'm in a new flat.  But it has to be the smallest move in history. About 4 feet door to door. I still live at the same address but have moved from flat 3 to flat 2. Like I say one of the smallest moves in history.  But it does bring to close my and Emily being flatmates (albeit that we are now neighbours. Well Two thousand nine hundred and eighty four days (2984) isn't a bad innings (and at least I can stop counting now).  For those who count in 'old money' that's eight years and two months. So not bad at all.

I have just returned from a period back home in Stoke, mum fell and injured her arm while she was down here visiting me so I went back to stoke to help look after her for a bit. But I'm now back.  My High Holy Days tickets have come and once again (for health reasons) I'm just a congruent but in many many ways that's really pleasant.

So apart from that not much is new. Well I guess a new flat is new.

A general update (Friends and Family)

I hope this post will be lighter on medical details than the more recent ones. Basically nothing has changed I'm no better but no worse either. The medical appointments continue and different specialists get added.

I'm still basically not working or rather not working at all. But trying to stay positive and succeeding (some of the time).

Olive (our cat) is a joy albeit sometimes an irritating one, when she wants food or attention but she makes my life so much better.

My thoughts are turning to the HHDs, but as I'm not working I don't have anywhere where I'm leading so will need to sort out some place to go to attend synagogue.

Back in June I had a very pleasant summer holiday with mum in Dunwhich and got to spend a little time with my big sister Rosie which was great because I don't get to see that much of her.

I'm paying more visits back home or at least trying to.

And this weekend just got I got to spend some time with Laura and her husband Stefan when they were visiting London, its wonderful to see Laura and great to meet Stefan who is lovely, witty and charming.

So this is an up-beat post, which makes a change from how this blog has been for the last four years. I'm still struggling health wise but if not getting better I'm not getting any worse. And am coming to accept the new situation.

I'm also continuing to study Talmud both Daf Yomi (and the regular (daily) study is certainly improving my skills) and with my two chevurta: Tina and Francesca.

So all in all. Even if things are still difficult I'm feeling more emotionally okay than I have in a long while.

Almost 8 years.

Talking about my health has been a theme of this blog not just recently but for quiet a while, which is unsurprising. As on Monday (July 2nd) was the 4th anniversary of my first major seizure. And each posting since has basically said how hard its been but that I am getting better.

Sadly I don't think that that's true.  Clearly I'm better than right at the start, well I nearly died so couldn't have got worse or stayed there really. But I'm still at the stage of 'just about managing' day to day life.  I've had to stop the very little amount of work I was doing, because I was simply not up to it.

I am looking for stuff to do on a voluntary bases because, put simply, if on the day I don't feel up to it then I can simple cancel. But not too much has come of these plans yet.  I also have a social worker who along with Emily is helping me out. And I am trying to come to terms with the idea that some (maybe a lot) of the changes in my life are going to be permeant, which I find a depressing thought.

I am still looking for ways to adjust and somethings have changed and are helping but its going to be a very very long process.  A bright spot is my talmud studying with Tina (as mentioned before) and having a second Talmud partner and new (or renewed) friend,  Francesca we also study talmud together (what can I say I love studying talmud) but we also do other stuff, she's one of the few people who can prise me out of my flat. In fact she's accompanying me back home to Stoke on my next visit. (This weekend).

I am really looking forward to that. I am also researching some voluntary work I can do, so I can get back out there, but also cancel at short notice if I'm having a difficult day when it comes to narcolepsy, epilepsy et al. But we'll see how things go.

Its coming up to eight years! since starting at rabbinical school (2923 days-but who's counting).

I think this brings this blog up to date, which isn't that hard because not a lot is changing and changes that are happening are happening really very slowly.

One of my very infrequent updates.

Once again I need to start with an apology about the now very spasmodic nature of my updates over here, and again justify myself by saying that this was indeed a blog about my journey towards ordination, which happened, indeed it happened really a long time ago now.

The theme of the last few years has been characterised by illness my memory problems and adjusting to life with Epilepsy, narcaepsy and other health problems whist trying to actually do some rabbinic work, I am not managing to do all that much but the little I am doing is right right on the edge of what I can manage.

I am now firmly based in London, but with regular trips back to Stoke.  One of the major changes is that in the flat its not just Emily and I anymore as we have been joined by Renee (who is Emily's girl friend they are getting married in about 200 days (194 but then who's counting).

We also have a cat (Olive who is simply lovely)

And is a real source of joy in my life. She is very affectionate and spends a lot of time with me, when otherwise I'd spend a lot of time on my own in the flat. 

I am doing a bit of work, I am part-time rabbi-ing at Hampstead two services a month and adult study once a week. I am enjoying it especially the adult study but it is right on the limits of what I am able to do. My memory which is dreadful, reading back I can see that this is a theme of my posts of since my seizures really isn't getting better. Okay I can just about manage but it really is just about on a more positive not I'm continuing my Skype Talmud study with Tina and have started an additional practice of Skype studying Talmud with a friend, Francesca. Both are very enjoyable and its a good balance because Tina is considerably better at Talmud than I am and I'm better than Francesca (I should be as a rabbi and someone who does a lot of Talmud) but its great because she asks fantastic questions.

I'm also not sure if I mentioned it but Rebecca has had another baby (although he's not a baby anymore) Solomon who's a lovely little kid.

I think that that has probably brought you all up to date with my life. And lets face it not a lot has really changed.

Near Death Experience?

My posts here have become very spasmodic indeed and for that I can only apologise. All I can say in my defence was that this was a blog about my journey though rabbinic school and to becoming ordained. And after that happened my postings became even more infrequent than they had been before.  Reading back I can see that I did talk about my seizure which happened at the end of the academic year in 2014. So just over three years ago now. And I now want to post about something that happened during my stay in hospital.

As people who read my blog know, and even more so people who know me in real life. My memory has been very bad since my seizure and my memory of the time around my seizure is really very badly effected. But I do have one memory which is of what I think of as a near death experience. I was certainly very ill.  The first hospital in which I was treated was the Whittington in London and it is in the Whittington that this experience took place.

I 'woke up' at night and although I know and knew I was still on the hospital ward I found myself elsewhere.

I was at the bottom of a well. Floating on inky black warm water. Not bath warm, but the kind of warm of the sea in the Mediterranean after a long hot summer's day but when its night. Indeed it was night in the real world, but I was at the bottom of a well, floating on this warm inky black water. At the top of the well I could see a night sky dazzling in its beauty stars upon starts. A sky full of stars in the way it only is in children's books or paintings.

(The only real world night sky that has come close was one time I was in the Negev and wonder a little way away from where we staying and saw the night sky without light pollution.)

At the top of the well I could see the nights sky. And underneath me I could feel the warm water keeping me afloat with very little effort. Albeit that some effort was required. I could also smell night jasmine and hear the wind and music laughter faintly from far far away, the sound of insects and the wind though leaves again from far away.

And I knew two things: One was that I could if I wanted brace myself and clim out of the well slowly slowly back towards the mouth of the well, and towards life, or alternatively I could let myself sink in to the warm (and rather inviting) blackness of the water and simply go. I also knew that the choice was mine, and that although I was not required to make a snap judgment a decision was required sooner rather than latter. The alternative was to brace myself against the sides of the well and slowly and painfully inch my way up and out of the well and back towards the continuation of my life. The voice, for this was being communicated to me by a voice, made clear that this was a choice which could only be made by me and that no pressure was being put on me either way. Climbing out would not be easy but deciding to go would be an irrevocable decision.

It also told me that the choice was mine, and I should not give to much weight to what others might want me to do. Friends, family, and others. I should listen only to my own heart and soul and then when ready decide.

Its hard to describe the voice, it was both internal and external at the same time. Young and old, older in fact than I really know how to say, but it 'sounded young'. 'Still full of sap and still green' (Psalm 92:14).

It was also genderless, although again if I were pushed and had to say what gender I'd say female.
Whatever age and or gender it was tender and compassionate and only concerned for my wellbeing and its owner loved me.

The the voice withdraw and left me to make my decision. Floating on the warm water at the bottom of a well on a summer's night. Making the occasional paddling motion with my hands to stop myself from sinking. Asking and re-asking myself the question. Did I want to struggle and clime out of the well or let myself simply sink and go. (Go I know not where). Although my grasp on time is very hazy from this period and was very hazy at the time. I would say that I equivocated about my decision for about three days before deciding that however hard it was I was going to climb out. I still had 'stuff' I wanted to do and still had sufficient ties to the corporal world to keep me here. I'm not going to lie, however.  I option of simply sinking into that warm and peaceful water was very inviting indeed. Although I am glad I didn't go.

After making the decision I felt much less agitated, although I was still very distressed by my condition and the whole hospital environment, but one abiding thing it has left me with is I'm much less scared about dying than I was before.

I don't know if the experience was 'real' in any physical sense although it still feels very real to me. And at the time felt like the most real and authentic experience I have ever had.

I will, probably, return to this topic and experience at some point and write about it more fully. But I just wanted to share something about it now.

Actually do some rabbinic work

My painfully slow recovery is continuing and now I am actually able to undertake some work. Not as much as I would like but never the less some.  I am teaching a few benei-matizvah students at SWEASRS and some other bits and piece here and there.  I am booked for the HHDs which is good as my finances could really do with it.  Again I am still splitting my time between London, where I am based for most of the time and home in Stoke.  The MA is still a work in progress and I really haven't made anything like the amount of progress on it I would like.  So basically as they say the more things change the more they stay the same.

Another update.

Again I have left it a long time between posts in my blog. Again I am based in London but with lots of visits back home to stoke to see my family and for my many ongoing medical appointments.  I have started on new medication, which seems to be making a world of difference.  My memory is getting better still, I can feel it.  I am working on MA and am again making progress albeit slowly.  So all in all things are good.  I am looking forward to my upcoming short family holiday, it will be a much needed break.

I have also started booking work which feels good.  I am also planning on extending my time renting with Emily, and we are about to go past the six year mark.

All in all things are good.  And my depression is really starting to lift so much so that there are times when I feel positively happy.