Birthday and Other celebrations.

 My actual birthday was on the 10th it's now the 12th and I had lots of lovely messages from friends and family all across the world. Opened my gifts whilst Zooming with family back in Keele Road. And also had a nice long phone call with cousin Oli and uncle Harold. Harold is doing pretty well all things considered. 

Latter had a birthday dinner around at Emily's with Emily and Renee whilst we watched funny documentries.  And while I opened my gifts from them 

On the 11th I had a Zoom picnic with Mandy and Sam, which was a great deal of funny they where together and I was there via Zoom and we spent time together in a park. 

Latter on had another celebration with Emily and Renee and Matt (Remotely).  

So all in all my birthday was a great deal of fun, amazingly so given all that is going on in the world. Not sure I'm going to talk about that given the continuing disasters of Trump, Covid-19, and Brexit.  I haven't been able to go back home to Stoke in months and even though I Zoom home every day it isn't the same. 

On an entirely different note, I think I have decided or at least all but decided to undertake a PhD, which given how the last one went is pretty amazing. (But I'm not going to do anything hasty-well I never do, do I).

Panda is still bring me joy. Albeit that he is at times a very naughty cat. 

I continue to do my study with Tina and with Francesca. So not much has change really. Largely thanks to Covid.

On Lock-Down

Because of the Coronavirus I along with lots of the UK am on lock-down the situation is very serious as its already killed a lot of people here in the UK and many many more worldwide. So because of my now many underlying health conditions I'm self-isolating in my flat so basically just me and Panda although I see quite a bit of Emily and Renee we are taking care not to come into contact with each other.
The world already feels like a very different place, both here and all over indeed I am told that the enviromental impact can already be felt as can a return to nature in that animals are returning to places they haven't been for a long time.  It's sobering to realise quite how speedily the planet would be reclaimed if we disappeared.
Emily is very stressed because of the people who are dying at EHDRS as well as all the pastoral care she is having to do. Indeed her colleague has died which is destressing for everyone.

One effect of the whole CV thing is it has prompted me to really make an effort to speak with Rebecca so we have had a couple of really long conversations. I've also been in contact with Helen and Rosie. All four of us are going to try and have a Zoom together.  Additionally I've been phone mum every day. We study that day's section of the Torah reading this gives a nice structure and its also good because mum's in isolation as well. 

I've also had a lovely long chat with Anika, and with Sarah. So it's really been a time of re-connection with friends and family and all it took was a pandemic.  But it's brought things into focus and shown me what's important.

My regular weekly Talmud study and chat with Tina continues which is also a bright spot in my day. So thanks to elecetronic media I am being fairly sociable and I am not to destressed although I am a little.

On a different note Matt interviewed me for a project he's doing on the Golden Rule. And I've written a Taste of Limmud (to be published soon).

And that I think brings you mostly up to date.

A second and much more serious seizure

So times have been a little tough, but for better and or worse I don't actually remember to much about what actually happened. Although I have been able to 'reconstruct' what happened from Facebook, and notes I kept at the time. My last post spoke about a seizure I had back in July and from which I felt and it seemed as if I had bounced back from fairly speedily. However, at the end of August I had a much more serious seizure which resulted in a 16 day stay in hospital (three different ones actually) and I have now been home in Stoke recovering for 16 days as well. I am slowly slowly getting back on my feet but I think its going to be long and slow process, one of months rather than weeks.  There are lots of 'interesting' aftereffects of my second seizure, one is that I am inclined to burst into tears abruptly and for no real reason, although this might be the result of the myriad of different drugs that I am taking at the moment.  My sense of the passing of time is also a bit muddled, so i will zone out and minutes or even hours will pass and I won't notice and it will only seem like a few seconds. Sadly this isn't true when I wake in small hours and can't get back to sleep when time passes so so slowly. On the time front because my second seizure 'deleted' the time between the first one and the second one, and because my 16 days in hospital feel like 5 (I can only actually remember stuff from right at the end) and the 16 days back home also only feel like about a week, my internal clock is telling me its the end of July! And although I know, its actually the end of September, this just doesn't 'feel', right.  Physically I am feeling really really weak, this is what being run down and then over a month of lying down will do to you, I guess.

 I am also being to feel a bit down, something I am keen doesn't get any stronger.
My short term memory is also pretty shot, it is getting better but because I cannot remember how bad it was it doesn't really feel as if it were getting better to me.

On the other hand I am feeling really really loved I received so so many messages of support and comfort in the aftermath of what has happened but I have really been hit for six and it is going to take me a long time to work my way back. College has been amazingly supportive. And Emily was simply amazing. She not only caught what was happening to me from half way around the world, basically she saved my life. (And in true current form I have just burst into tears while typing). She has also been in near constant contact with me and is helping me regain my memories, talking me though our new flat as the picture in my mind that tends to come is of the old flat.

I am trying to find things to be positive about, and one is that yesterday I got to be a congregant at a synagogue for Rosh Hashanah, which is not something which I was expecting to happen anytime soon.

But I am feeling 'stuck' although I know I am not really stuck and that this albeit a setback will in turn pass, and I just need to be a bit more patient. Its just that I am not very good at being patient.

The memory effects are odd, I am getting better at 'getting the right answer to the question' and I know its right it just doesn't 'feel' like it has substance, on the other hand I have 'memories', from a year which is yet to happen and was (in my hallucinations) very strange indeed.

I am trying to stay positive, but at the same time not push myself too hard which would be totally counter-productive I certainly couldn't afford a third major seizure. One method I am using is to look for things I can learn from the experience, of which there are actually quiet a few. Both ones I will be able to use when I am ordained but also more academic things, I am thinking of writing a paper about my experiences when I more fully restored.

And a second as mentioned is the overwhelming amounts of care and love I have been given from my family, hospital staff my friends and colleagues from the present and indeed the past, matthew who was great and got me hospital and Emily who has been wonderful. I am also so grateful for the NHS and the doctors/nurses and other staff who work there.

So in summary it has been a scary time, and emotionally very stressful for me (and of course for those around me especially mum). I am trying to draw lessons from the experience(s) and to cut myself some slack. And most importantly not to get down or depressed because in the end all will be well if I have faith and just let things take their own sweet time. It has also given me an insight, albeit a minor one into what people in the community who are living with long term conditions are going though. Again I always knew, but there is knowing and there is knowing.

This was a rather more dramatic end to my 4th / start of my 5th year than I was expecting (I had felt things were running along quiet smoothly thank you.)

I hope that there won't be such a long gap between post over here on this blog and I also hope that I have less news to report. As I am medically ordered rest for the next few months this seems likely.

So to end on a, slightly, funny note. I have found that shaving and steroid induced tremors do not a happy combination make.

Summer break but thinking about the 5th Year

This is something of a quiet time. After spending July recovering after my seizure. August is also shaping up to be a slow month. During the week I have been down in the flat in London, but I am spending the weekend back home in Stoke, this is more-or-less my plan for the rest of August.

I now have a date for my NMR which is the 17^th of August, so after that I should have a much better idea of what coursed my seizure. I have also made time to go up to Newcastle-upon-Tyne to meet with my 5^th community.

I am also trying to make some headway on High Holy Day stuff and on stuff for my MA, God knows that there is some time pressure on there. But generally I am having a restful time, sleeping more (the no coffee is really helping there). And reading fun and light stuff including Lev Grossman's 'The Magician's Land' which is the third part of 'Magicians' Series. I am really enjoying it and am trying to not read it all at once, I have another fun book on order which is good.

Additionally I am doing some work but lighter than normal reading, so some stuff for my 5^th Year Placement, basically a history of Newcastle and the surrounding region and books of the Apochrapha.

On Thursday I actually got to hang out with Matthew which was fun albeit that his house looked like a bomb had hit it. His house mate is moving out and he is reorganising so boxes everywhere, and lots of dust. One of my aims for next year is somehow get better at staying on contact with my friends despite how pushed for time it is going to be.

Emily is still in Canada, although we are in touch most days via Instant messaging, or via Skype. She seems to be having a good time but its hella hard work for her, albeit that it will be a great experience and something to put on her C.V. But I am really, really missing her :(

Yesterday I got my official Transcripts of my 4^th year and PG.Dip part of my course, all was well and good Pass with Merit in all but one of my courses which is nice. So all that is really left now is my MA (oh and our four extra-classes).

In truth my thoughts have largely turned to life after the college, which is in just 329 days. Yeah but scary. There is still quite a lot standing between me and that though. My Placement, the written work that goes along with it, my MA and the stuff that will go along with the four non-assessed but taught courses.

But I am thinking about it terms of 'markers of year' so induction, and then the High Holy Days, the college open days, then there is winter break, admissions week, Passover, dead-line for my MA thesis, deadline write piece for Practical Rabbinics, final Placement events and then Ordination. The end really feels not exactly in sight but I know its there just beyond the horizon.

I still have to finish off this years Limmud Booklet (shouldn't take too much longer now). However, I am seriously thinking of not going to Limmud this year as I think that I will be just to busy.  

Settling into the 8th semester

I am now settling into my 8th semester. And so far things are going pretty well. I have two academic classes and two vocational and although all four are quiet high work load its nothing I don't think I shall be able to handle.  I am especially enjoying the Talmud and Midrash class.  Although that said all I are interesting. Additional I am auditing a class on service leading skills, which technically is a first year class but I think it will be useful as this is something that I feel i have missed out on rather.

Outside of school my placement is still going well. Although a number to times I have gone all the way down to KLS only for nobody to turn up. This is partly due to the horrible weather we have been having lately.  I am still enjoying the mix of stuff that I have been doing and my number of sessions are ticking over nicely.

My reading classes-To help me with my dyslexia are progressing nicely as well. So all in all things are looking really positive on almost all fronts.

Apart from work work work which sometimes realls pretty relentless not all that much has been happening.  I have agreed to take part in the Limmud Chervauta Project again. For the last time, as next time would take me over into when I am actually a rabbi.

And last week I was photographed as part of an art project looking at people who are training to be religious leaders. (It was quiet exciting and I am looking forward to seeing the results).

Yesterday after getting back from KLS I went out to celebrate Matthew's birthday which was fun.

Today was mainly a working day. Albeit that i did find time for a walk around the local park. Enjoying a sunny day which has been so rare of late. There were lots of trees down because of the recent high winds but not as many as i might have feared and the park was very beautiful in sunshine.

Tomorrow another week starts, which looks set to be busy…well they all look that way now. And then on Wednesday I hit the 500 days to go mark.

A very busy shabbat.

This weekend proved very busy pleasant but busy nevertheless.  On Saturday morning we (Emily and I) went to Kol Hai Synagogue where Emily will be working.  Its Michael Hilton's synagogue so that was nice, we then went to Michael's home for lunch although it was rather rushed because I needed to get to West Central Synagogue to lead services there.

I really enjoyed that, although I was very very tired. But they are a lovely community. As well as leading the services, I read Torah and gave a sermon. See blow.

On Sunday we went for a picnic with Matthew in Hendon, very nice enjoying the sunshine even if there were too many ticks.

Sermon (more or less what I said although I did add-lib somewhat)

וַתִּקְרַבְנָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד, בֶּן-חֵפֶר בֶּן-גִּלְעָד בֶּן-מָכִיר בֶּן-מְנַשֶּׁה, לְמִשְׁפְּחֹת, מְנַשֶּׁה בֶן-יוֹסֵף; וְאֵלֶּה, שְׁמוֹת בְּנֹתָיו--מַחְלָה נֹעָה, וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְתִרְצָה.

One of my first Hebrew teachers said that one of the main differences between Hebrew and English is that English is broad language whereas Hebrew is a deep one. English has spread widely around the world and wherever it has gone it has brought back words from other languages and made them its own. The result has been that for almost any meaning there is a word, and that perhaps English is best suited of all languages to indicated and to distinguish between fine shades of nuisance.

Hebrew on the other hand builds internal connection between concepts, individual words connect with other words and ideas interact with related but otherwise different concepts, Hebrew words also have multiple meanings, for example D'var which means both word and thing.

The Hebrew term for an offering or sacrifice Korban contains the kernel of the idea of proximity or closeness, because it is derived from the root Quf, bet, resh. The basic meaning of which means to come-close.

The first word of the passage of Torah which we read today was also derived from this basic root. Va-tik-rav-nah. And they (the Daughters of Zelophehad) approached.

Please forgive me, but I am going to talk about grammar but don't worry not for very long, this word is in the third person feminine plural imperfect. An unusual form and one that when I encounter it sometimes catches me out. Simply because it is so unusual.

This is because Hebrew is different from English in another way, in that it is a gendered language. However, even if there were a group of 999 women and just one man, then the form the verb would take would be masculine. So encountering feminine plural verbs, and therefore all female action, is uncommon.

But in todays reading we find just that the daughters of Zelophanad. But not only that, we get to hear them speak, two whole verses of the Torah reading are given over to their request which was more a bitting critic of the system of inheritance in operation during the time of the wondering of the Israelites in the wilderness.

What is more, their request and critic is validated and confirmed not only by Moses, but rather the Eternal One.

If this were not enough to draw our attention to this strange and short section of Torah, we are told the names of all five of the daughters of Zelophehad, as well as Zelophehad's full ancestry. I needs to be stressed that the nature of the style of torah is to be very sparing with words, hardly a single word is wasted.

In this context it is surprising, actually very surprising, to find this much narrative detail about a seemingly trivial issue. After all probate is not that exciting.

Apologies to any probate lawyers who are present in the congregation.

This can only be to attract our attention. For the Torah women's rights in the area of inheritance was important. Indeed Judaism has had a long history of being at the cutting edge of women's rights.

The female Judaean had freedoms that her Athenian counterpart could only dream off. Latter the same held true for women classical rabbinic period and the Romain world.

This is a tradition which is happily continued by the progressive movements. From the ordination of Regina Jonas in 1935, though the publication of Siddurim written in gender inclusive language and in Israel with the work of IRAC and women of the wall.

It is especially fitting, and yes poignant to read a passage of Torah focused on the inclusion of women in the synagogue founded by Lily Montague for the benefit of, largely female shop workers.

Just as, according to the Torah, the daughters of Zelophehad noticed lack in provisions for women and acted to change it, so too many generations latter did Lily Montague.

There is still, plenty of, work to be done in terms of inclusion both within the Jewish world and externally too it. But reviewing our history we can find the necessary courage and impetuous for action.

Ken Yehi Ratzon