Near Death Experience?

My posts here have become very spasmodic indeed and for that I can only apologise. All I can say in my defence was that this was a blog about my journey though rabbinic school and to becoming ordained. And after that happened my postings became even more infrequent than they had been before.  Reading back I can see that I did talk about my seizure which happened at the end of the academic year in 2014. So just over three years ago now. And I now want to post about something that happened during my stay in hospital.

As people who read my blog know, and even more so people who know me in real life. My memory has been very bad since my seizure and my memory of the time around my seizure is really very badly effected. But I do have one memory which is of what I think of as a near death experience. I was certainly very ill.  The first hospital in which I was treated was the Whittington in London and it is in the Whittington that this experience took place.

I 'woke up' at night and although I know and knew I was still on the hospital ward I found myself elsewhere.

I was at the bottom of a well. Floating on inky black warm water. Not bath warm, but the kind of warm of the sea in the Mediterranean after a long hot summer's day but when its night. Indeed it was night in the real world, but I was at the bottom of a well, floating on this warm inky black water. At the top of the well I could see a night sky dazzling in its beauty stars upon starts. A sky full of stars in the way it only is in children's books or paintings.

(The only real world night sky that has come close was one time I was in the Negev and wonder a little way away from where we staying and saw the night sky without light pollution.)

At the top of the well I could see the nights sky. And underneath me I could feel the warm water keeping me afloat with very little effort. Albeit that some effort was required. I could also smell night jasmine and hear the wind and music laughter faintly from far far away, the sound of insects and the wind though leaves again from far away.

And I knew two things: One was that I could if I wanted brace myself and clim out of the well slowly slowly back towards the mouth of the well, and towards life, or alternatively I could let myself sink in to the warm (and rather inviting) blackness of the water and simply go. I also knew that the choice was mine, and that although I was not required to make a snap judgment a decision was required sooner rather than latter. The alternative was to brace myself against the sides of the well and slowly and painfully inch my way up and out of the well and back towards the continuation of my life. The voice, for this was being communicated to me by a voice, made clear that this was a choice which could only be made by me and that no pressure was being put on me either way. Climbing out would not be easy but deciding to go would be an irrevocable decision.

It also told me that the choice was mine, and I should not give to much weight to what others might want me to do. Friends, family, and others. I should listen only to my own heart and soul and then when ready decide.

Its hard to describe the voice, it was both internal and external at the same time. Young and old, older in fact than I really know how to say, but it 'sounded young'. 'Still full of sap and still green' (Psalm 92:14).

It was also genderless, although again if I were pushed and had to say what gender I'd say female.
Whatever age and or gender it was tender and compassionate and only concerned for my wellbeing and its owner loved me.

The the voice withdraw and left me to make my decision. Floating on the warm water at the bottom of a well on a summer's night. Making the occasional paddling motion with my hands to stop myself from sinking. Asking and re-asking myself the question. Did I want to struggle and clime out of the well or let myself simply sink and go. (Go I know not where). Although my grasp on time is very hazy from this period and was very hazy at the time. I would say that I equivocated about my decision for about three days before deciding that however hard it was I was going to climb out. I still had 'stuff' I wanted to do and still had sufficient ties to the corporal world to keep me here. I'm not going to lie, however.  I option of simply sinking into that warm and peaceful water was very inviting indeed. Although I am glad I didn't go.

After making the decision I felt much less agitated, although I was still very distressed by my condition and the whole hospital environment, but one abiding thing it has left me with is I'm much less scared about dying than I was before.

I don't know if the experience was 'real' in any physical sense although it still feels very real to me. And at the time felt like the most real and authentic experience I have ever had.

I will, probably, return to this topic and experience at some point and write about it more fully. But I just wanted to share something about it now.

A second and much more serious seizure

So times have been a little tough, but for better and or worse I don't actually remember to much about what actually happened. Although I have been able to 'reconstruct' what happened from Facebook, and notes I kept at the time. My last post spoke about a seizure I had back in July and from which I felt and it seemed as if I had bounced back from fairly speedily. However, at the end of August I had a much more serious seizure which resulted in a 16 day stay in hospital (three different ones actually) and I have now been home in Stoke recovering for 16 days as well. I am slowly slowly getting back on my feet but I think its going to be long and slow process, one of months rather than weeks.  There are lots of 'interesting' aftereffects of my second seizure, one is that I am inclined to burst into tears abruptly and for no real reason, although this might be the result of the myriad of different drugs that I am taking at the moment.  My sense of the passing of time is also a bit muddled, so i will zone out and minutes or even hours will pass and I won't notice and it will only seem like a few seconds. Sadly this isn't true when I wake in small hours and can't get back to sleep when time passes so so slowly. On the time front because my second seizure 'deleted' the time between the first one and the second one, and because my 16 days in hospital feel like 5 (I can only actually remember stuff from right at the end) and the 16 days back home also only feel like about a week, my internal clock is telling me its the end of July! And although I know, its actually the end of September, this just doesn't 'feel', right.  Physically I am feeling really really weak, this is what being run down and then over a month of lying down will do to you, I guess.

 I am also being to feel a bit down, something I am keen doesn't get any stronger.
My short term memory is also pretty shot, it is getting better but because I cannot remember how bad it was it doesn't really feel as if it were getting better to me.

On the other hand I am feeling really really loved I received so so many messages of support and comfort in the aftermath of what has happened but I have really been hit for six and it is going to take me a long time to work my way back. College has been amazingly supportive. And Emily was simply amazing. She not only caught what was happening to me from half way around the world, basically she saved my life. (And in true current form I have just burst into tears while typing). She has also been in near constant contact with me and is helping me regain my memories, talking me though our new flat as the picture in my mind that tends to come is of the old flat.

I am trying to find things to be positive about, and one is that yesterday I got to be a congregant at a synagogue for Rosh Hashanah, which is not something which I was expecting to happen anytime soon.

But I am feeling 'stuck' although I know I am not really stuck and that this albeit a setback will in turn pass, and I just need to be a bit more patient. Its just that I am not very good at being patient.

The memory effects are odd, I am getting better at 'getting the right answer to the question' and I know its right it just doesn't 'feel' like it has substance, on the other hand I have 'memories', from a year which is yet to happen and was (in my hallucinations) very strange indeed.

I am trying to stay positive, but at the same time not push myself too hard which would be totally counter-productive I certainly couldn't afford a third major seizure. One method I am using is to look for things I can learn from the experience, of which there are actually quiet a few. Both ones I will be able to use when I am ordained but also more academic things, I am thinking of writing a paper about my experiences when I more fully restored.

And a second as mentioned is the overwhelming amounts of care and love I have been given from my family, hospital staff my friends and colleagues from the present and indeed the past, matthew who was great and got me hospital and Emily who has been wonderful. I am also so grateful for the NHS and the doctors/nurses and other staff who work there.

So in summary it has been a scary time, and emotionally very stressful for me (and of course for those around me especially mum). I am trying to draw lessons from the experience(s) and to cut myself some slack. And most importantly not to get down or depressed because in the end all will be well if I have faith and just let things take their own sweet time. It has also given me an insight, albeit a minor one into what people in the community who are living with long term conditions are going though. Again I always knew, but there is knowing and there is knowing.

This was a rather more dramatic end to my 4th / start of my 5th year than I was expecting (I had felt things were running along quiet smoothly thank you.)

I hope that there won't be such a long gap between post over here on this blog and I also hope that I have less news to report. As I am medically ordered rest for the next few months this seems likely.

So to end on a, slightly, funny note. I have found that shaving and steroid induced tremors do not a happy combination make.

It seems in the end that I ran out of steam before the year did. After the long and never ending second semester there was Haggigah and the first week of Kol Bo., and then I had some kind of Seizure early in the second week. On Tuesday I remember almost nothing about it. Other than feeling ill and my morning coffee not tasting at all nice and the next thing I really remember I was in hospital and it was a couple of hours latter.

Emily was fantastic she took charge of everything and called my family and other people. The upshot is that I am back in Stoke resting up (and didn't go to the rest of Kol Bo and am going to miss ordination which is tomorrow).

Emily is now in Canada at a wedding and then working over the summer.

I am discovering quiet how bad I am at taking time off, at the same time that I can tell I need to recharge  badly.

Anyway I now guess I am actually a 5th and will certainly be one after Sunday when the current 5th years are ordained and I am very sad not to be there.

Really the end of 4th year

I have now finally and fully done with the 4th year. Last week I had my final presentation at college it was on a community based use of a megilah, and if it did not go as well as it might have it did go and I am sure that it was good enough to pass.
I have also had my last rabbinic tutorial of the year. So I am basically done. There is still the matter of Kol Bo (weeks one and two) but this does not require me to do much other than turn up and pay attention, that is it is not assessed.
I also have one or two things left to do at my fourth year placement but this things are basically fun and I am looking forward to them.

Then in early July the current 5th students will be ordained and I will become a 5th year student myself.  looking back apart from year one (which of course was in Israel) i find that years two, three and four have kind of mixed together in my memory and if I really want to sort out when something happened then I have to go though this blog to work things out.

But looking back on the 4th I again feel that i have grown and changed but find myself uncertain as to when exactly this happened.

I am going to spend the summer working of my rabbinic thesis as far as possible as well as gaining community experience. I am looking forward to my 5th year placement (Watch this space).

And for now that about it.

Rounding off the 4th year.

One of the difficult things about the spring semester is how it drags on but with so many breaks. Currently I am waiting to do a presentation, which has been rescheduled but one that is ready to go save for some minor printing and a very little preparations. I am also waiting of Kol Bo. The summer study. But basically I am done with my 4th year. And I am really happy be so. A couple of days ago I was down in Kingston for Erev Shavuot, I led the evening service and led a Biblodrama study session. I think it went well, especially the study session part. I am also decompressing from the stress of exams. And have really started thinking about and planning my 5th year. Basically this means that I am starting to think about my 5th year placement although things are still rather range on that front. I am also starting to work on my Rabbinic dissertation I am actually beginning to get excited about this it should be an interesting project.

However this dose mean that the 4th and 5th year are going to run into each other with very little in-between. But I am feeling more and more nature in my role as rabbi-to-be, in a way that I haven't before. I have grown a lot during this past year and working with Charley and at KLS has been great.

One down side of things at the moment is that I do not feel that I have made enough progress with my work for Limmud as I would like although I am sure that it will get done and will be good in the end.

I am still training with my personal trainer but I do seem to have hurt my knee or rather re-injured my knee which is a bit of a drag.  As its really painful and its stopping me from training as hard as I would, like.

But all in all things are good.

Feels almost like summer

It feels almost like summer, the weather is hot and humid, which makes me less inclined to work, which is a shame has I still have plenty of work to do. One essay has been handed in, I am still hard at work on the second, then there is the presentation to think about. Plus finishing off my 4th year placement at KLS, the stuff of Limmud and already thinking about my 5th year, early I know but the 5th year is rather truncated so I need to get going.  I am also waiting to here where my 5th year placement will take-place. This is making me somewhat nervous as this will have a massive effect on what my whole 5th year will look like and how/where I can make the transition from student rabbi to out and out rabbi.

On a lighter note another of mile stones of the year has passed the annual college dinner. (See Photo) it really was a lot of fun and I am in a much better/happier place this year than I was last. But now its time to get back to work: I have essays to write, massive numbers of emails to send and meetings to go to.

I promise a more substantial and reflexive post soon.

Last Day of the 4th Year

Today was my last class as a 4th. All I can say about this is wow. It feels like it has simultaneously happened very slowly and very fast. Today was quiet light after an informal morning service and pleasant chat with a few of my fellow students all we had was our last reflexive class. Yesterday however had been quiet tough double rabbinic literature and spirituality. In fact I am feeling really tired as this has proved to be a long hard semester.  Earlier in the week Emily and I had our presentations for Spirituality class, which I think went very well.

Also for once I do not feel overloaded with work and assessments although I am still busy. I have two essays to write one for rabbinic texts and one for spirituality. Additionally we have a presentation for Megilot Class and then that is is it.

Tomorrow I head off for LJ Bienniel and I am both looking forward to it because i think its going to be great fun but I am also dreading it. (Because I am very tired and the last thing I want to do is go off and be active for a weekend).  I am also going to be do a session at it.

After that we have the annual college dinner in about a fortnights time. As I've mentioned here in earlier  posts I am once again involved in the Limmud Chevaruta project (and I will need to start making some real traction there soon.)

Then there is the MRJ Biennial latter in the year and the two weeks of Kol Bo on either side of it. (So that is going to be one tough fortnight. Then its Ordination of the current 5th years and then that's the year fully over. So at the moment I feel I am in the slightly uncomfortable place of no longer an active 4th but certainly not a 5th year. (I will want to wait until it is confirmed that i have successfully pasted all my 4th year stuff before I will feel that.).

Anyway I felt like i owed you guys an update.  And now I had better get back on with packing for Biennial.