A second and much more serious seizure

So times have been a little tough, but for better and or worse I don't actually remember to much about what actually happened. Although I have been able to 'reconstruct' what happened from Facebook, and notes I kept at the time. My last post spoke about a seizure I had back in July and from which I felt and it seemed as if I had bounced back from fairly speedily. However, at the end of August I had a much more serious seizure which resulted in a 16 day stay in hospital (three different ones actually) and I have now been home in Stoke recovering for 16 days as well. I am slowly slowly getting back on my feet but I think its going to be long and slow process, one of months rather than weeks.  There are lots of 'interesting' aftereffects of my second seizure, one is that I am inclined to burst into tears abruptly and for no real reason, although this might be the result of the myriad of different drugs that I am taking at the moment.  My sense of the passing of time is also a bit muddled, so i will zone out and minutes or even hours will pass and I won't notice and it will only seem like a few seconds. Sadly this isn't true when I wake in small hours and can't get back to sleep when time passes so so slowly. On the time front because my second seizure 'deleted' the time between the first one and the second one, and because my 16 days in hospital feel like 5 (I can only actually remember stuff from right at the end) and the 16 days back home also only feel like about a week, my internal clock is telling me its the end of July! And although I know, its actually the end of September, this just doesn't 'feel', right.  Physically I am feeling really really weak, this is what being run down and then over a month of lying down will do to you, I guess.

 I am also being to feel a bit down, something I am keen doesn't get any stronger.
My short term memory is also pretty shot, it is getting better but because I cannot remember how bad it was it doesn't really feel as if it were getting better to me.

On the other hand I am feeling really really loved I received so so many messages of support and comfort in the aftermath of what has happened but I have really been hit for six and it is going to take me a long time to work my way back. College has been amazingly supportive. And Emily was simply amazing. She not only caught what was happening to me from half way around the world, basically she saved my life. (And in true current form I have just burst into tears while typing). She has also been in near constant contact with me and is helping me regain my memories, talking me though our new flat as the picture in my mind that tends to come is of the old flat.

I am trying to find things to be positive about, and one is that yesterday I got to be a congregant at a synagogue for Rosh Hashanah, which is not something which I was expecting to happen anytime soon.

But I am feeling 'stuck' although I know I am not really stuck and that this albeit a setback will in turn pass, and I just need to be a bit more patient. Its just that I am not very good at being patient.

The memory effects are odd, I am getting better at 'getting the right answer to the question' and I know its right it just doesn't 'feel' like it has substance, on the other hand I have 'memories', from a year which is yet to happen and was (in my hallucinations) very strange indeed.

I am trying to stay positive, but at the same time not push myself too hard which would be totally counter-productive I certainly couldn't afford a third major seizure. One method I am using is to look for things I can learn from the experience, of which there are actually quiet a few. Both ones I will be able to use when I am ordained but also more academic things, I am thinking of writing a paper about my experiences when I more fully restored.

And a second as mentioned is the overwhelming amounts of care and love I have been given from my family, hospital staff my friends and colleagues from the present and indeed the past, matthew who was great and got me hospital and Emily who has been wonderful. I am also so grateful for the NHS and the doctors/nurses and other staff who work there.

So in summary it has been a scary time, and emotionally very stressful for me (and of course for those around me especially mum). I am trying to draw lessons from the experience(s) and to cut myself some slack. And most importantly not to get down or depressed because in the end all will be well if I have faith and just let things take their own sweet time. It has also given me an insight, albeit a minor one into what people in the community who are living with long term conditions are going though. Again I always knew, but there is knowing and there is knowing.

This was a rather more dramatic end to my 4th / start of my 5th year than I was expecting (I had felt things were running along quiet smoothly thank you.)

I hope that there won't be such a long gap between post over here on this blog and I also hope that I have less news to report. As I am medically ordered rest for the next few months this seems likely.

So to end on a, slightly, funny note. I have found that shaving and steroid induced tremors do not a happy combination make.